I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY WOMANHOOD

Growing up, body image was something I always struggled with. I remember being in the eighth grade and thinking my thighs were too large, and my hips were too wide. I was constantly comparing my body, tearing apart every inch of my skin. I was never truly satisfied with my physical appearance. My ideal body type represented those of a child; a flat chest, narrow hips, and a thigh gap were features that I strived for. This body type is commonly glamourized in the media, and as a young girl, I was often exposed to the message that thin equalled beautiful. Overtime, this toxic message became ingrained into my head and played a large factor in the development of my eating disorder. To this day, I struggle to accept my body for what is simply is, and often hurt my body in order to achieve such unrealistic standards. 

I never considered my body to be a temple. A magnificent machine that allows me to function day to day. That allows me to laugh, to dance, to sleep, to breathe. Instead, I treated my body like a battlefield. Starving it, cutting it, drugging it, and torturing it. No matter how much weight I lost, it was never enough. Every time I crossed off a new goal weight, I lost a little bit more of myself. I was completely miserable. 

With all this being said, I want to apologize to you, body. Body, I am sorry. I am sorry I did not prioritize you. I am sorry that I did not honour your hunger and fullness cues. I am sorry for shrinking you into something you did not want to be. I am sorry for despising parts of you. I am sorry that I took you for granted. I am sorry that you were not allowed to experience the new body that's supposed to come after puberty. I am sorry that I ever apologized for your womanhood. So body, let me finally be your friend. Please forgive me. 

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